insane love

I don't want normal love

I want that 4-am-nightmares-about-you-leaving-me-in-11-different-scenarios where you have to reassure me a dream is a dream

I don't want normal love

I want that i-wanna-go-home-and-leave-me-the-fuck-alone where you wait outside the bathroom door worrying how much blood I shed 

I don't want normal love

I want that just-one-more-please where you have to put down the glass and deal with my fucked up suicidal drunken state

I don't want normal love

I want that have-you-taken-your-meds where you get disappointed because I keep skipping them on purpose, but you forgive me anyway

I don't want normal love

I want that im-sleeping-with-a-knife-by-my-side when you aren't there to help me sleep at night and it worries you to death to the point you can't even blink for a second

I don't want normal love

I want that im-going-to-kill-myself-if-you-leave-me where you hold out of horror because you're terrified to lose me forever

I don't want normal love

I want a heart wrenching love

that suck the living out of your blue soul,

ripping your beating pulse and flesh,

devouring every inch of your numb body,

chugging every drop of your warm blood

I don't want normal love

nostalgic morning

the sharp pain always stings my chest at 4 am

when the city is still asleep, including you

it's just me, my trauma, and the creeping coldness from head to toe while i'm drenched in sweat

I need to hold onto an inhaler so that I won't suffocate

I need to hold onto a life jacket so that I won't sink

so I hold onto you as you breathe in composed rhythms

the moment your eyes meet my well-being,

you don't hesitate to put me in an embrace,

wrapping my heavily trembling body inside your warm hugs

you put a cigarette between my cracked lips,

then you light it up and whisper soothingly,

"breathe in, breathe out," as your eyes guide me on how to breathe

you inhale the let-out smoke I made,

inhaling deeply as if it's the last oxygen left

"I breathe your pain; now it becomes ours."