within the sanctuary of your soul, I found religion

my identity has been stripped
a blasphemer is my calling card
I let it flow through the labyrinth of mind
welcoming with an open heart

I found myself basking in the afternoon ocean
dancing my fingers through the surface
caressing the warmth of saltiness
drifting in complacency

your name brushed past my lips
plastering a conspicuous grin
"you, you, you," I chanted as I
drenched in brine, sweat, and tears

it wasn't me, it's you

your friends whispered that it was me,
given how disarrayed my psyche was
your ex declared that it was me,
as if I dwelled in a separate universe or so it was
you convinced yourself that it was me,
weighed down by how burdensome I was

but not a soul has ever pointed out
as I grappled with my demons, you were mum
as I deliberated, yet you shunned
as I recuperated, you refrained

despite that,
I surrendered the amusement to you
because as I'm composing this,
you are submerged in the depths of epiphany
that not once was it me,
but endlessly been you

butterfly bruise

a set of velvety curves

tapping its feet on a glistening slope

slowly dancing its chiseled path

leaving traces of midnight heat

amidst the hush of frost's embrace

the delicacy of hums

sounding like cantillation

of angel's descendants

enticing their long lost believers

digging claws into the loamy terrain

a droplet escapes the somber nimbus

leaving an enigmatic plague

in the recesses of one's skull

here I unveil the innermost echoes

"it was a bewitching agony"

you were mistaken about me

"forever and always,"
I murmured to you soothingly
yet we both know,
none of us are sensible to the certainty of time

what's the length of forever?
til I'm buried 6 feet underground while you mourn above me with delusive tears?
til you're slipping out of my sooty hand, sinking down and dissolving in the ocean?
til a war declared, we're choking on bullets and shattered to pieces by missiles?
til all of milky way is out of the orbit and crashing themselves, obliterating humankind?

or maybe, the length of forever is just a thoughtless period of time that you threw around while I begged you not to fall out of love yet?
maybe, forever was never that deep
and maybe, after all this time,
I was never truly, madly, deeply benevolent 

insane love

I don't want normal love

I want that 4-am-nightmares-about-you-leaving-me-in-11-different-scenarios where you have to reassure me a dream is a dream

I don't want normal love

I want that i-wanna-go-home-and-leave-me-the-fuck-alone where you wait outside the bathroom door worrying how much blood I shed 

I don't want normal love

I want that just-one-more-please where you have to put down the glass and deal with my fucked up suicidal drunken state

I don't want normal love

I want that have-you-taken-your-meds where you get disappointed because I keep skipping them on purpose, but you forgive me anyway

I don't want normal love

I want that im-sleeping-with-a-knife-by-my-side when you aren't there to help me sleep at night and it worries you to death to the point you can't even blink for a second

I don't want normal love

I want that im-going-to-kill-myself-if-you-leave-me where you hold out of horror because you're terrified to lose me forever

I don't want normal love

I want a heart wrenching love

that suck the living out of your blue soul,

ripping your beating pulse and flesh,

devouring every inch of your numb body,

chugging every drop of your warm blood

I don't want normal love

nostalgic morning

the sharp pain always stings my chest at 4 am

when the city is still asleep, including you

it's just me, my trauma, and the creeping coldness from head to toe while i'm drenched in sweat

I need to hold onto an inhaler so that I won't suffocate

I need to hold onto a life jacket so that I won't sink

so I hold onto you as you breathe in composed rhythms

the moment your eyes meet my well-being,

you don't hesitate to put me in an embrace,

wrapping my heavily trembling body inside your warm hugs

you put a cigarette between my cracked lips,

then you light it up and whisper soothingly,

"breathe in, breathe out," as your eyes guide me on how to breathe

you inhale the let-out smoke I made,

inhaling deeply as if it's the last oxygen left

"I breathe your pain; now it becomes ours."

i should've been a mechanic instead of a poet

i should've been a mechanic instead of a poet, so when we moved in and there were troubles, i could've been the handyman and fixed the inconveniences so you could rest easy.

i should've been a mechanic instead of a poet, so when the troubles happened again and irritated you, you could've saved your breath and let it out on me instead of someone else.

i should've been a mechanic instead of a poet, so when i realized there was a defect in me, i could've polished it so you wouldn't have to bear the ugliness of me.

i should've been a mechanic instead of a poet, so when there was a crack in your heart, i could've patched it up so there was no longer a doubt in it.

i should've been a mechanic instead of a poet, so when you said you grew tired of the repeating situations like a broken CD, i could've fixed it—heck, i could've replaced it with something new for the sake of you.

but i'm a mere poet, so when there were troubles, inconveniences, defects, and cracks, all i could do was wrap my arms around your shoulders, hoping it would deflate the tension.

but i'm a mere poet, so when there were troubles, inconveniences, defects, and cracks, all i could do was whisper millions of sorrys, hoping you'd give me a second chance.

but i'm a mere poet, so when there were troubles, inconveniences, defects, and cracks, all i could do was beg on my knees, hoping you'd come back to me.

but i'm a mere poet, so when there were troubles, inconveniences, defects, and cracks, all i could do was write dozens of poetry, hoping you'd see through my heart, mind, and soul.

but i'm a mere poet and you're just an illiterate.

love never goes out of season

I wasn't someone who acknowledged the art of praying

but it was July 7th and I relied on God's favor

you made it come true and ever since then I'm no longer godless

you started by plucking the wilding

ended up scratching your tender hands

but you said "everything's fine," as you wrapped a bandage

then you continued watering down my grave

you had to walk miles to find a glimpse of waterfall

stepping on sharp pebbles, leaving sticky red liquid all the way to the grave

"you're beautiful yet untended, it's such a shame"

you said as you spread different kind of flowers

I swore I could smell them six feet buried underground

it was summer

the rain wouldn't come any time soon

so you replaced the sky's duty to water me down everyday

once again you saved me

when it was supposed to be

a divine being or the universe's onus

"you're now my summer project,"

"but I don't want this to end soon,"

"love never goes out of season."

right side of the bed

friday night august eleventh

never thought this would be the day where i

got to find my will to live again and look forward to brighter suns

a key in our hands

as we looked at each other for the nth time

never thought inserting into a keyhole would excite so much

the moment the door was closed

i remember it vividly how our lips crashed

bodies pushing against each other passionately

under the dimmed kitchen lights

we declared our love

with a clink of peach soju glasses that i liked

it wasn't perfect

you wanted to move out right away

out of embarrassment of disappointing me

what more could a broken soul desire

when all they wanted was served before the eyes?

when all they wanted was a love so pure from the love of their life?

we sat down comfortably

letting the bed suck our bottoms in

glueing us not to move an inch, freezing the moment 

i picked the left side of the bed

and you were left with no choice

but to stay on the right side of the bed

the right side of the bed

where the sun shone right through the wooden blinds to say hello every morning

where the moon and the stars shone right at you, taking turns as the sun bid adieu

the right side of the bed

so i had a reason to turn right every chance i got

so i had a reason to make everything right when things went strayed

the right side of the bed

where i captured you beautifully every second our lives went by

and so that i didn't have to turn left facing the mirror's cruel truth, avoiding the monster shown in me

but you saw it

right behind me

whenever you turned to your left side

perhaps

that's one of the reasons why you left

as you grew tired of seeing the ugliness of me

perhaps

that's one of the reasons why you left

as you grew terrified of seeing the monster, getting more sinister each day

perhaps

perhaps

perhaps

little by little

you stopped turning to

the left side of the bed

little by little the glue dried

and it was easy to detach

so you started setting yourself free from me

little by little

you tossed our slokis to the trash can

as you tossed your things away, too

leaving me shackled

on the queen sized bed

forever reminiscing your right side of the bed

a despicable thorny rose in the field of dandelions

despicable you,

standing tall still after a direful hurricane,

glistening after a heavy rain attacking the dirt,

blushing lovely even in the midst of a blizzard,

while the rest was ruined, fell out, and became nonexistent

despicable you,

despite of that,

the dandelions will bloom back and beam you again