uh, hi... mom

the night's cold and dark
1 AM, lying down scatterbrained
but have loads on chest

the feelings i buried
are starting to crawl back,
trying to make its own way
to the top
the rotten inside me
is starting to grow back

years ago i was so sure
that this wouldn't happen
but i am no deity
and life's unpredictable
and i'm amazed
with this spasmodic feelings
because once in a lifetime,
i get to feel this way

it's happening because
i love you too much, i guess
and love finds its own
way back home
back when we were
living in 00's
when we were just
pure souls,
crying at each other
because we couldn't
express our great love

23

i was told not to chase
a filthy thief like you
you would've come by yourself
if i became an interesting target
so i took some time off
becoming the girl of your dream
i thought i got you,
when you approached me uninvited
my eyes were gleaming
my lips were beaming
my heart was blooming
my pulse was racing
and i wondered
would i lose you? would i lose you? would i lose you? would i lose you? would i lose you? would i lose you?
would i lose you again?
just when i was busy worrying,
you attempted an escape
gone, no trace
gone, no trace
gone, no trace
gone, no trace
gone, no trace
gone, no trace

the end of september

i've been fighting for months
staying for years
just for you
to doubt my sincerity
you're growing older
and i'm growing tired
everything's chaotic
and the world's doomed
cherry doesn't taste sweet anymore
trees are falling, berries are rotten
my heart becomes numb
even a little part of me
still do love you

i'm not staying here forever
compromising your insecurity
and trust issue
the longer i stay,
the more they break me
and all this time
i'm the only one who's sorry for your flaws
so tell me to leave
when you can't make up your mind
please push me away
when you finally realize that you don't love me
because i'll go
and i won't look back

i hate fire

she's made of fire, clear and burst
no strong wind could blow her away
no enough water to stop her from burning

people like summer
but they hate to burn
pray for the winter
so she could freeze up
for a moment,
a moment

she aspires to be their favorite
but it strikes like lightning
the weather is cold, yet
it burns to the bones

she has reached the edge of the world
but she remains burning, bigger and hotter
it bothers them how she lights up
blind, all she sees is dark ashes
endless darkness, a curse
wrapping all over her, flying

unknown III

it's almost a year since we knew each other
long conversation, midnight talk until 4
sharing playlists, revealing our passion
telling me how fucked up your family was
trusting you how unstable i could be

we're so average, just like those lovebirds
full of delusions, made from childhood's fantasy
and cliche young fucked up kind of love
oh, darling, i know we won't last forever
and ever, but i am so into you right now

oh look, now we're sitting
you have your cold 'presso and i have my strawberry milkshake
eyeing the road from local corner coffee shop
arguing how you dislike sugar on your drinks
and how i hate the bitter taste of coffee
the marias is playing, 
i am asking "would you like to dance?"
and we're dancing and giggling
you're blushing because you accidentally hit your toe
i think i'm in love with your red cheeks

once in a lifetime
i've met somebody who i got to undress
heart wide open like the rich's gate
i'll let you take my one and only butterfly
leaving the bed sheet full of glitter

regular day

it was a regular day

where i spent my day being locked up
it's alright, i could still see the sky and clouds
the painting looked very much alike, i laughed

everything seemed normal, i am normal

feeling a huge hole where the blood wouldn't stop coming out
horrific stare eyeing the room with tears streaming down my face
muted, i couldn't release a single sound
probably because my mouth was filled up with spiders
suffocating, i was not in a factory, street, nor even the ocean

oh now here it came,
wanting to color my sleeve in red wine
wanting to swing my head around the rope

what a beautiful regular day

naked under the sky

love the thrill, love the silence
love how different we are
yet i'm still trying to be compatible
the universe, the feelings
i'm going to love you hard naked under the sky
the smell of grass lingers forever
and we won't stay together forever

i'm loving skin to skin with you
and i'm crazy over your tinted berry lips
even i'm loving the balm aftertaste
the sky is watching us like wild wolves
making love in the full moon
the night will soon fade
and our stain will be replaced by flowers

ily loud

this is another episode of me letting my guards down
feeling high over small things you did to me
they probably think i am easy, well, if that's what they think
but i am never ashamed to love you this loud
i'd rather have the whole world known than keeping this from you

now we are in the middle of nowhere, trying to work this out
even if we don't work out, i won't regret this
i will wear this on my sleeve, i am the loudest when it comes to loving you
and i got you frustrated with my sudden moves
it's alright, i have all year for you to figure me out

2021 and i will still be here, waiting for you to let me in
dressed in all black just in case you're planning to kill my feelings
then this will be my funeral with you as the suspect
don't worry about me, just rain me with hundreds of white roses
this is what i will take to love you the loudest

unknown II

"these are pretty heels," you said
we enter the ballroom as it feels like walking down the aisle
you take my hand and we intertwine
"dear, you look like a blooming flower"
once again, you make me high to the mars
let's create an unforgettable memory tonight

your eyes are blue and i love the white tuxedo
i can feel how dreamy you are, my love
the moon is dead, you are the spotlight
and i will make sure every inch of you is loved
my oh my, your skin is made of glitter
are you, by any chance, an angel?
don't feel insulted, darling, i might make you my god
so kiss me and don't ever let go
because tonight we are living in outer space
no one can stop me from this endless love

blood and dead roses

here i am again, falling in love just to get a heartbreak
and there you are, pretending to love me just to make me feel a heartbreak
well, honey, thanks for the help because right now i am really broken into pieces
don't leave me yet, i know you could do better
heavy rain and thunders are still outside the door
won't you stay a little longer?

and i kinda like it
i dont know why
why do i like it?

maybe because you fill up my empty emotions
and you make me feel alive somehow
i like it when you go bad on me, cruel baby that's fine
i don't want to be sane if i am not sane with you

friends telling me to see therapist
i don't need one because i would rather swim in liquor, thoughts, and you
falling deeper swimming deeper in your false hopes
tonight feels nice, ah, loving you by the pool while you are plotting my murder scene
don't stop, i will keep quiet as if i am your innocent lover

when it is time for you to leave
i would still be hanging by the pool
and there would not be you in my mind
i would be swimming in my own blood and dead roses
the smell that i could never forget, the smell of yours