not a pleasant morning

the early morning wind blows peacefully

though, the coldness successfully suffocates my lungs

I close my eyes and I imagine

if I were up in the clouds

or if I were underwater

trying to justify all these sufferings

but everytime I open my eyes

the only thing I could picture

is a blank wall with some yellowish stains 

and my back leaning on a pillow

that feels like a stack of thatch

too, the fabrics that I'm wearing

feel itchy as if they were scratching and digging up my skin

my mind starts to shut down

slowly slowly slowly

making me helpless

making me want to fall into a deep slumber

there's no hope

i am not normal

having to receive such pain in the head

that feels like someone's banging it against the wall

that feels like someone's talking disturbingly inside

i am not normal

having to put much effort on my feet

that I need to crawl because the wind froze them

and that something's growing to kill me

i am not normal

having to focus on my breathing and hold onto an inhaler

that it suffocates me whenever I feel not safe

that it takes the oxygen away when the cold comes

i am sick

so sick

i am ill

so ill

not being able to function mentally and physically

i am broken

so broken

not a poem, just my thoughts

what's all of this?

it's supposed to be a glory

it's supposed to be a celebration

it's supposed to be a new beginning to the better future ahead

but all I see is a loss

a hiding behind walls

a hundred steps backwards going through the same old shit

I finally found a will to live

but it doesn't mean anything now

dreams are for those who are privileged

desires are for those who are privileged

feeling safe while being ignorant is for those who are privileged

and I am not one of them

my mental state isn't getting better

the feeling of something crawling out from my guts

the feeling of being spied on and haunted by

the voices that are starting to come back

and again, I lose hope

I'm starting to question myself

did hope ever exist in the first place?

or was it all in my imagination all along?

I am tired

maybe I should get some sleep

that's what people said to me

but how can I sleep when it fucks me up even when I'm asleep?

knowing there's no escape

but I'm not ready to face reality yet

saying as if I had a choice

life is funny sometimes